| My Cyber Home |
| KytiKat's place |
| In Memory |
| Junior's World |
| Brenna's Blanket |
| Tony's Casa |
| KytiKat's Military Information Center |
| KytiKat's Auctions |
| Ultrasound Portraits |
| Scrapbooking |
|
 It was early December 1999. Tony and I were preparing for a move to our next duty station. The last thing we needed was to get pregnant. But low and behold, the stick showed a very faint line! I could hardly believe it. But the line was so faint, I thought maybe I was crazy. We decided to wait another week to see what would happen. Another week went by, and now we were living with my parents. We had moved out of our townhouse on base, and shipped all our stuff to our new location. in a couple of days we would be shipping the car before our trip to California to see the rest of the family. I took another home test, and sure enough, another faint line! This time though, it was definetly dark enough that I could say I wasn't crazy, there was a line! I was pregnant! We were so excited, we told my parents that night. They were so happy for us! We decided to wait a couple of weeks until we were at our new overseas duty station to go to a doctor and get a checkup, mostly for paperwork reasons. Then, the next day, I started spotting. I freaked! I went straight to bed, and as long as I stayed there, the bleeding stopped. I stayed in bed for two days. Then I had to get up. My parent left on a business trip. We had to get our car to the shipping yard, and then we were supposed to be leaving to see his side of the family in a couple of days. When I woke up the third morning, I was bleeding again, despite being off my feet for the last two days. I told Tony that it was obviously no use, and that whether I helped him take the car to shipping yard or not, things didn't look good. So we drove the cars out to the shipping yard, and I immediately got into the passenger seat, laid it back and put my feet up on the dash. Then Tony drove me back to the Military hospital ER. Upon arriving at the ER, I told the desk clerk I was having a miscarriage. She gave me a cup to pee in and told me to have a seat in chairs. It was almost two hours before they came and got me and took me back to an exam room. Once in the exam room, I was given a gown. A doctor came in, did a pelvic exam, smears and all. Then told me that despite my two positive home tests, I was never pregnant. Go home. At that time, I just thought, "Whew, now I can get on the flight to see my in-laws tomorrow." I didn't have the time to ponder or demand better tests, or anything. It was just easier to say, oh well, guess I got not one, but two bum home tests. We went on with life, took our trip to see Tony's family, and continued on to our next duty station. Once at our new location, I decided that since we had been trying for a baby ever since losing Angel, maybe I should get a fertility work up. While talking to the wonderful doctor, Dr. Bryce, he asked abt past misscarraiges. This one was bugging me, so I told Dr. Bryce all about the two positive tests, then the bleeding, then the ER visit that said the tests were wrong. Dr. Bryce said that as far as he was concerned, he had to consider this miscarriage number two. He assured me that home tests are very rarely wrong when they are positive. The fact that I had two tests say yes, told Dr. Bryce that I did indeed have another miscarriage. All I could think was, "I knew it." It took me some time to really acknowledge this particular miscarriage. I've named this one Mysterie Rayne, because at first, she was a mystery, and I wanted something unusual for my second little angel. What has really convinced me of this angel's existence is my son Anthony. You see, when I got pregnant with Anthony, I used the same brand of home test, and got the same faint positive line. Then I went in for a blood draw at the military hospital here. The first test came back negative. I didn't give up because I knew in my heart and soul that I was pregnant. The next week, I went back, and sure enough, the hospital blood draw said positive this time. The more I thought about my little Mysterie Rayne, and the two positive tests, and compared it to my Anthony, and the negative blood draw, the more convinced I became that this was indeed a miscarraige. Add to that my recent experience with Sunshine, and I'm sure of it. I guess the odd thing to me is, now that I've finally acknowledged this one, it just seems so far after the fact that the whole grief process hasn't really happened. *June 26, 2002: A few months ago, while cleaning out the safe, I found the ER document stating the day I went to the hospital with this angel. December 9. The exact same day my son was born 1 year later. So in a way, I guess it is good that I don't seem to grieve this angel the way I do the others. I want December 9 to be a special day just for my son. So I've decided to officially recognize this angel a few days before that, December 7, the day the spotting started. If you would like to browse through the list of support sites I've complied, click here. To view the awards this site has won, please click here. Also, these poems, found on Mr. Mom's web site, were just too precious. Please visit it, read the poems, and check out the memory pages.
|