I thought about returning to designing…

But as I researched options and looked at what the community has been up to since I left, I remembered why I left.

While I was busy researching my options, my frustration level and anger kept building. When I started getting pissed at the kids for stupid stuff at the breakfast table, it suddenly dawned on me… why? Why am I doing this to myself? Do I think it’s easy money? Because I sure as hell know it’s not! Yes, it would be nice to have some cash in my paypal account again, but I do not *need* it. Instead, I’m going to revisit the reasons why I started scrapbooking in the first place. I used to love it. Designing killed that love, the creative outlet. I want to scrapbook again, yet it’s like I don’t know how. I need to think about what is important to me, and why I scrap. I need to stay away from online websites. Galleries that used to be fun places to get feedback and share layouts are now almost exclusively commercials, as CTM (creative team member – a person hired by designers to scrap with said designer’s kits and post to as many galleries as possible in an effort to advertise the designer) after CTM post such glorified works of art designed to make you want to buy the product they used so that you too can produce, not just an ordinary layout, but a work of art. *ahhhhhh* The digiscrap community is chock full of people who are all jockeying for positions on CTMs, hoping to make it so they can score the free product. Then there is the piracy, ever so prevalent, and the crappy people who steal money and make everyone else in the biz look bad. The constantly changing Terms Of Use as to what you can use commercially, and what you can’t. The fonts. Don’t get me started on font designers. UGH!

Why? Why would I do that to myself?? What do I think I need to prove? Isn’t being a wife, a mother, a teacher, a maid, a personal shopper, a chauffeur, a nutritionist, a chef, a financial planner, a plumber, a mechanic, a painter, a repairman, an organizer, a laundress, I mean… I could go on and on. Isn’t that enough? Why do I feel the need to earn money doing something that will actually hinder my ability to perform all those other jobs?

I don’t *need* the money. Oh, it would be nice. Yes it would. Especially since DH retires in 2 years, and we haven’t a clue what he will do then. We could wind up unemployed for months. I pray not. But if we are, money will be very tight around here. It would be nice to have some “mad money” built up in my paypal again. But at what cost? At what cost?

I’m going to try to rediscover my love for digital scrapbooking. Hopefully I can finish some of the albums I have in progess. I can’t tell you how ate up with guilt I get everytime tPD picks up her baby ablum, with only two layouts in it, and declares that mommy needs to “finish it” so she can read about herself as a baby. Talk about guilt. I have to get past the perfectionism. It doesn’t have to be a perfect work of art. Hell it’s digital!! If I want to change something later, all I have to do is edit the PSD file!! It just has to get done. I know I can do it… I just have to feel like it. You know??

Here’s hoping I can rekindle the romance between myself and Photoshop.

Will you join me?