I had a few good days in the middle of March. I was happy.

But here I am, right back on the bottom, looking for a lifeline.

It seems depression isn’t quite done with me yet.  So I turn to music, as always. And these days, I feel like Rock N Roll. So I give you my latest earworm, Comatose by Skillet.  Enjoy.

Joy and Sorrow.

I love this time of year.  I love the twinkling, multi-color lights, the way the lights reflect off the ornaments on the tree.  I love the smell of fresh baked cookies, the taste of cookie dough.  I love the smell of my Balsam & Pine candle (it’s from Yankee Candle).  I love curling up with a mug of hot chocolate in front of the fire place.  I love the music.  I love the memories and nostalgia.  I love making new memories, and creating new traditions with my own family.  I love this time year.

I hate this time of year.  I hate the depression that always comes.  I hate the “gimmies” and the “I wants” that come no matter how much we try to stave them off.  I hate the commercialism, the Christmas stuff in the stores well before Halloween. I hate the stress that comes with all the projects and the “did I get a gift for that one?  Did we forget anyone?”  I hate the self-imposed pressure to be happy and make life all kittens and sunshine for my kids when I just want to curl up in a fetal postition and sleep through from November til February.  Hibernation – It’s not just for bears anymore!  I just want to avoid it all.  I hate this time of year.

But I love this time.

Christmas music makes me cry in such an odd mix of joy and sorrow, that I’m not sure what to do with all the emotion bottled up inside.  Certain CD’s especially remind me of my Dad.  John Denver and the Muppets “A Christmas Together” is one of them.  Good memories of listening to the record (yes, vinyl. I feel so old!) throughout the holiday season and yelling “Ba Dum Dum Dum Dum!” with Piggy.  It was always one of our favorites.

This year, I’m struggling.  This year marks 10 years since we lost our Angel.  While time has healed the wounds and lessened the pain, the scars are still there.  This year will be the second year that my GeekBoy doesn’t have a joint birthday party with his Grampa.  I miss my dad.  He loved this time year.

I wish I had his joy in the season.  I wish I could be free of the sorrow and depression that drags me down.  I try.  I am not entirely sure how successful I am.  But as long as the kids have a good time, and good memories of their own to look back on…  I’ll have done my job.

More then Hot Chocolate, Reeces, and Good Jeans

I’m studying Matthew 6:25-34 and it’s companion passage in Luke 12:22-34.  These verses on Worry were so important, God made sure they were put in the Bible twice.

“And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?”  That’s the question Jesus asks in Matt 6:27.

Jesus says in this passage that God will handle it.  Whatever it is you are worried, or “concerned” about, God will handle it.  Jesus points out that if God takes care of the tiniest sparrow, are we not more important than that?

So worry, essentially boils down to a lack of trust.  That lack of trust is a lack of confidence in God, and a lack of faith that He will do what He said He would.

“Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”  Hebrews 11:1

By Faith, Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joesph, Moses, Rahab.  And don’t foget Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, Samuel, and the prophets.

The Hall of Faith in Hebrews always reminds me of the Steve Green song, Find us Faithful.  (*sidenote – my dad taught me how to sing this one in key for a youth choir when I was in high school.  Miss you Dad.)

Each of those people mentioned in Hebrews had faith.  Faith enough to realize that God was in control, and they just had to follow the path He set before them.  Back to Matthew 6, Jesus says that life is so much more then food and clothes.  Our Father Gods knows what we *need* and He will supply.  All that is required of us in this life, is to seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness. (Matt 6:33)

Lord, please forgive my worried soul, my lack of trust.  I trust my husband completely, with my heart and life.  How can I not trust You, the Creator of life?  Oh Lord, please give me the faith of a mustard seed.   Help me to follow down the path You have set before me.  Help me to see Your Will in front of me, and guide my steps.  Please give comfort to my weary soul, and lift me up when I am down.  Help me to find the joy all around me when life is dragging me downward.  I want to leave the legacy of a faithful life for my own children just as my Dad left for me.    Amen

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.
Matthew 6:34 NASB

"Sorry, I'm not one for conversation…"

I’m still a little wiped out from my all night two nights ago.  But.  DH made sure I got some sleep.  So…  I should be right as rain by morning.  I hope.  Meanwhile, I’m loving the new (to me anyway) video playlist feature over at Yahoo Music.  I love music.  I don’t necessarily watch the videos.  I just play them in the background while I work, play, whatever…  and if I want, I click over and watch the vids…  It’s cool.  Me likey.  But for tonight, I’m off to watch Resident Evil part 3.  *S*  Milla Jovovich kicks ass.  *S*  aweseome!

Mental vacation

TobyMac is fav on my mp3 player right now…  I love all kinds of music.  One of my fav songs right now is “Gotta Go”.  Not because it’s a great song or anything, because, really, it’s just a couple of Toby’s phone converstations.  But I love the line toward the end:

Sorry, I’m not much for conversation.  I need some time with God and a mental vacation!

So true.

Here’s a little TobyMac for you…  Enjoy!

Hot Mama: Theme song

Hot Mama Revolution
So this week, Sarah wants to know our Hot Mama theme song. Oh my word… there are so many!! How do I choose??

I have an addiction to music. I am a music-aholic. I need my tunes to get through the day without seriously injuring someone, usually myself. I go for anything, depending on my mood. I love me some country, some rock, some pop, and even some rap if I’m in the right mood (the old-school stuff though, none of this bull they put out today. ick) so here are some Youtube goodies of my current Favs. Enjoy the Sonic Calgon!

Stand by Rascal Flatts. My kick in the pants song. This one has gotten me through some rough times:

I love love love Daughty. Ever since his stint on AI. It’s Not Over is a good one:

And of course, I love NickelBack too! Far Away is one of my all times favs by them, and I just adore Photographs. But these days, I’m totally rocking Rockstar:

Then there are the days I just want my fluffy music – read Fergie, Britney (pre-breakdown), Xtina, Kelly Clarkson, and Gwen Stefani. Stefani’s Sweet Escape being one that just just stuck in my head these days:

And I LOVE me some Weird Al. I’ve got a personal history with Weird Al songs that only my hubby will appreciate, and no, I will not explain my love fore Weird Al further. White and Nerdy is my current fav:

There is soooo much more. Kutless, Evanesnce, MercyMe, DCTalk, TobyMac (my kids love his son TruDog!), Shakira, Lonestar, Martina, Trace Adkins, Tim Mcgraw, Faith Hill, JLo, Pink, Alanis Morrisette… The list goes on and on!

But. When am feeling the effects of PMS hardcore… Only one song will do. And I will put a NSFW (that’s Not Safe For Work) warning on this one. When PMS hits, and I just want to rock out, only Meredith Brooks will do. you know the song I mean. Bitch. It rocks: